Conversations with a Scourge
by LovelyTomorrow
Summary: Buffy and Angelus talk...a lot. Have fun with it.
1. Course Selection

Title: Conversations with a Scourge

AN: Okay, so this whole little series thing is sort of my idea of an ode to witty banter, cause...that's all it is. The whole thing is between Buffy and Angelus (mostly) and is set in my own little world where Buffy lives with the Auralias Clan and dates Angelus and everyone's pretty cool about it...kay, so it's not meant to be realistic. It's just whimsy and fun, so don't take it seriously. If you're looking for something angsty and dramatic, this ain't your cuppa tea.

Timeline: Let's say the middle-ish of season three. Buffy's been accepted to collage; the gang is on iffy terms with Faith (who Angelus is buddies with; it fits for me. just go with it)

Course Selection

"Angelus?"

"Yes?"

"I was looking through the class selection brochure for UC Sunnydale."

"Mm hmm."

"--And I came across a really interesting class that's open to freshmen."

"Alright."

"And I guess I just wanted to…run it by you?"

"Very good. Let's see."

"Okay, here you go. Right there."

"…No."

"Now before you go and say anything final--"

"No."

"I think I could really learn a lot."

"No!"

"And it would probably make the whole slaying thing much easier."

"No, Buffy!"

"Why not?"

"Because I said so."

"Angelus."

"Buffy, I've heard of these 'vampire' courses. All they do is fill your head with idiotic, made-up vampires that sprout from idiotic human brains."

"But--"

"If you want to know more about those you fight, you have a Watcher to tell you all you want to know. Better yet, you live with the most infamous vampire family in history. Ask Spike. Ask _me_!"

"But--"

"But nothing, Buffy. No is no."

"But, Angelus, look!"

"What?…Oh."

"Yeah, 'oh.' The whole thing is about you guys."

"The Order of Auralias."

"Exactly. Darla's the first marking period; _you _are the second."

"Still doesn't change a thing. You can ask us for this information. You'll take a different class."

"What different class? Listen, you want me to ace a course? This…is a course I can _ace_."

"You are going to ace any class you take. I demand perfection from my women."

"Right, well, slaying vampires is pretty much the only thing, besides giving head, that I do well. So, unless you find me Blow Jobs 101 in there, I'm taking the damn class."

"…Well, listen to you."

"I'm serious, Angelus."

"Oh, I love it when you're all outspoken. It's so cute."

"Angelus."

"C'mere, you little liberated lady."

"Angelus, stop…oh…Angelus, I mean it!"

"Shut up and lay the hell back."

"But I--oh! Oh! Okay, I'll shut up."

"Good girl."


	2. Respecting An Elder

You kept reading! How exciting!

**Respecting an Elder**

"Angelus?"

"Yes?"

"When were you born?"

"Shouldn't you know that?"

"I forget."

"Figure it out."

"Angelus."

"Pretend you're not fucking your subject."

"But Angelus."

"Buff, do your work."

"Fine. …When were you turned?"

"…Buffy…"

"Well, I don't remember!"

"How will knowing when I was turned help you write a paper about my human life?"

"Well, I know you were 27 when you were turned, so, with some simple math, I could figure it out."

"How do you know I was 27?"

"Um…I'm taking a class on you?"

"Well, maybe I don't want you to know that I was almost _thirty_."

"What? Why not?"

"…Maybe it's personal."

"What the hell are you…oh…Angelus, don't be silly. You don't look a day over 20."

"I know! But know you know that I'm almost 30!"

"Angelus, you're 250!"

"48!"

"…Thank you. So…that would mean that you were born in 1752."

"…Don't look so proud. It's not very becoming."

"Don't scowl so much. You'll get wrinkles, grandpa."

"You little--"

"Ah! It was a joke! No wrinkles! Let go!"

"You know, you're gonna get wrinkles some day. You're gonna get old and gray and wrinkly and _saggy_--"

"No, I'm not. You said you would turn me."

"I changed my mind. I'm gonna watch you get old and fragile and laugh every time you brake a hip!"

"Liar."

"Nope! I'm gonna set up shop right next to the retirement home, and parade around with my new childe, Faith--"

"Ah, yes, cause you have the patience to stand _her _for eternity--"

"--And we're gonna laugh and laugh and--What are you doing? Stop that."

"Mmm, but it's so smooth."

"Buffy…"

"Like a baby's bottom."

THE END


	3. Orientation

**Orientation**

"Angelus?"

"Yes?"

"Don't get mad at me, okay?"

"…Buffy."

"I'm just gonna ask you a question, and I want you to know that with that question, I am not implying anything, okay?"

"Um hmm."

"Do you and Spike sleep together?"

"What!"

"See! Don't do that. It's just a question."

"It's a disgusting question!"

"No, it's not. In class today, we learned that it's very common for vampire families to welcome in a new childe by getting to know them…biblically."

"Ugh."

"And it's most commonly done by the eldest male of the family, so…"

"No. Spike and I _do not_."

"Oh, okay…"

"Did this…this class of yours say that we--?"

"What? No, no. The professor didn't mention present day you at all today."

"Good."

"So, that's a definite no, about you and Spike."

"A definite no."

"Okay…but…I know you don't now, but, did you?"

"Did I what?"

"Did you and Spike, you know, back in the day?"

"…I don't know what's wrong with you, woman! I am not a faggot!"

"I never said you were. It was just a question."

"I fuck you! I fuck women! I'm not some little fairy!"

"Okay, then. So sorry I asked."

"You're damn right, you're sorry."

"Kay…I'm gonna go finish this paper, then."

"You know, I suddenly feel the need to prove to you who I _am_!"

"Angelus, stop it. Not now; this paper is due tomorrow."

"Well you should have thought of that before, huh?"

"Ow, Angelus, that hurts."

"That's right, bitch, it _does _hurt."

"Uh, when you do that, it--ow--hurts, yes."

"Good! _This _is what I do!"

"No, it's not! Ow! I know what you do, and it doesn't hurt."

"I do this to _women_!"

"Yes, I know!"

"Don't you dare question that again!"

"Yes--ow--sir."

"Good."

"Oh, thank God. I think you bruised my pelvis."

"Great! Remember that feeling next time you think about questioning my sexuality."

"Oh, I will."

"Hey, Spike?"

"Slayer."

"Do you and Angelus ever sleep together?"

"Sometimes, yeah. Why ya wanna know that, pet?"

THE END


	4. The Bet

AN: I really did read about this thing in a magazine (you'll see), but I've never tried it.

**The Bet**

"Angelus!"

"Yes."

"I'm home."

"Yes, I can see that."

"Mmm. Did you miss me?"

"No."

"Liar."

"C'mere; sit with me."

"Okay. Can I snuggle?"

"No. I'm reading."

"I can snuggle while you read."

"Can you now?"

"Sure. I'll just slip under your arm like this…and lay down in your lap like this…and play with your tummy like this…"

"Stop it; that's annoying."

"Nah, it's relaxing. Relax."

"I was relaxed until some little coquette decided to interrupt my reading."

"Oh, stop it. You love it when I play with you."

"I do."

"You do. What are you reading?"

"_The Count of Monte Cristo_."

"It's big."

"This is the abridged version."

"No way."

"Yes way."

"Since when do you read the abridged version of anything?"

"It was the only version available."

"Best seller?"

"I suppose it was in its time."

"It's old?"

"Very."

"As old as you?"

"…No."

"Oh…is it good?"

"Nice subject change, Buff."

"I don't know what you're talking about. I was only inquiring as to the quality of the book you're reading."

"It's very good so far."

"Where are you?"

"Chapter 32."

"How many chapters are there?"

"71."

"No way."

"Yes way--what the hell are you doing to me?"

"I'm scratching your abs. It feels good."

"For who?"

"For you."

"Oh, really?"

"Yes, really. You need to learn how to relax. Enjoy the tiny little sensations. Ah, here."

"Hey! What did you do?"

"I just spread my nails on your knee."

"Why?"

"It. Feels. Good. I heard the sensation gives you 1/8th of an orgasm."

"Bullshit."

"Seriously. I read it in a magazine."

"Which magazine? _Seventeen_?"

"_Cosmo_, thank you very much."

"Ah, yes, the much more respectable, _Cosmo_."

"Don't make fun. You just experienced 1/8th of an orgasm whether you admit it or not."

"So…hypothetically, if you did that eight times in a row, I would cum?"

"Hypothetically."

"Well, go ahead."

"I said, 'hypothetically.'"

"Well, I want to try it out."

"I _don't _want to try it out."

"Oh no? Why not?"

"Because…if you came right now, you would ruin your book."

"…Book's down. Have at it, Buff."

"No."

"Why not?"

"If you want to cum so bad, we can do something else."

"I wanna do this. It. Feels. Good."

"I don't want to."

"Oh, come on, Buffy. Of all the ways you could make me come, this way is by far the least strenuous on you. Why won't you do it? You think it won't work?"

"No. It'll work."

"Then come on…you're not doing anything."

"I'm leaving. Enjoy your book."

"How bout this, Slayer. I'll bet you."

"You'll bet me."

"I'll bet you that it won't work."

"…What'll you bet me?"

"If it doesn't work…uh, you have to do whatever I want you to do tonight--no complaining, no questions, no nagging."

"Pretty easy bet considering that's what I do every night."

"This may be true, but I've got a party tonight and I've been wanting to show off my little slayer bitch to all my _evil_, _undead_, friends."

"And I'm guessing not in the Pope-mobile. Okay, I'm officially not wanting that to happen."

"So you'll take the bet?"

"Well, hold on a second. What'll I get if I win?"

"The satisfaction of being right."

"Uh, no. If this works…you cancel your party tonight, and take me out to a nice dinner."

"I'm not canceling my party."

"Well, we'll see. You gonna take the bet?"

"Fine."

"Let's shake on it."

"Okay…go ahead."

"Alright. Here we go: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7--"

THE END


	5. If Angelus Wins

AN: Because I've never actually tried the nails on the knees, I really don't know who would have won, so I wrote both. Here's what would have happened if Angelus won.

**If Angelus Wins…**

"Angelus!"

"Buffy."

"No."

"Yes."

"All night?"

"All night."

"But that's insane!"

"You made the bet, Buff. Get down."

"But, Angelus."

"No whining, little lady. That was part of the deal. On all fours, right now."

"It's so degrading."

"Well, yeah, that'd be the point."

"Am I allowed to talk?"

"Just to me…don't look at me like that. _You _agreed to this."

"Why in the world did I ever think making a bet with the friggin' Scourge of Europe would be a good idea?"

"You're an idiot?"

"Hey, what the hell? I have to wear a collar?"

"A diamond encrusted collar…with matching leash."

"Leash!"

"You promised me an orgasm, and I didn't get one."

"You have the mentality of a three year old."

"Well, tonight, _you _have the mentality of a poodle."

"Do you really get off on this?"

"All fours…now."

"Fine. All fours, happy?"

"Ecstatic."

"You are such a freak."

"You want me to take away _all _your talking privileges?"

"No!"

"Then you be nice to me. You lost. Accept your punishment."

"I am accepting my punishment, but the party hasn't started yet, and I needed for you to know how much of a freak you are. Ow. What?"

"Come on."

"Come on where? Don't pull my leash. Just tell me where I'm going. Ow. Okay, I'm coming."

"Hop up on here."

"You want me to hop, now?"

"Onto the settee. You need help?"

"I can do it…just can't promise it'll be pretty."

"I can lift your legs if you need me to."

"I can do it. Uhm…there, see? I'm capable."

"And I applaud you. Now, here's the 'fun-for-Buffy' portion of the evening. You get to have your hair brushed."

"Oh, really! I love when you brush my hair."

"I know. Here, sit."

"…Couldn't just let me be happy, could you?"

"Sit."

"I'm sitting."

"Good girl. Scoot foreword. There you go. Now just relax."

"Umm, that feels so good."

"I'm glad you're enjoying it."

"My hair's too long."

"No, it's not."

"I should donate it or something."

"You will do no such thing. Your hair is lovely when it's long."

"Kay, but this is getting ridiculous. I have Gotti hair."

"Gotti?"

"Pop-culture. Mob wife."

"Ah."

"I couldn't even cut it a little bit?"

"No."

"I'm gonna run through shampoo like crazy."

"I can get you all the shampoo you need. Stop fidgeting."

"Sorry…so, what am I wearing to this little shindig?"

"Your black corset."

"And…?"

"And heels."

"Uh, you forgot the bottom part."

"No, I didn't."

"Ew, Angelus."

"What? You're all clean shaven. Bottom's nice and firm. What's the problem?"

"What happened to you not wanting anyone to see any of…you know, me?"

"These are my friends, not horny little waiters with their disgusting, bulging eyes scanning every inch of my woman."

"He was _not looking_."

"He _was _looking, but that's not the point. Keep your head still."

"Sorry. …Can I at least wear a thong?"

"To crawl around on the floor all night? Your call."

"Ugh, fine. I'll go bare bottom."

"That's a good girl."

"So, who exactly is going to be at this party?"

"My friends."

"Is Dru coming?"

"Should be."

"And Spike'll be there."

"Of course."

"Can I just hang around them all night?"

"You can hang around whomever I'm hanging around seeing as you'll be wearing a leash."

"Oh, right. And the chances of you just hangin' with Spike and Dru are…?"

"Slim. I'm the host of the party, Buff. It would be incredibly rude of me to only converse with two of my guests--actually, one of my guests; Spike doesn't count."

"Angelus?"

"Yes?"

"Is Faith coming?"

"There. You look perfect. Let's get your corset on."

"Angelus."

"I don't see how it's any concern of yours."

"I'm jealous."

"Hmm, a moment of honesty."

"Is she coming?"

"Maybe."

"Angelus!"

"Maybe. I don't know for sure."

"Did you invite her?"

"I may have mentioned it in passing."

"Why won't you just tell me?"

"Strip."

"You're so mean to me."

"Oh, I know. I'm absolutely horrible. Good, now stand up. Hold onto the bed post."

"She's probably not coming at all. She probably doesn't even know there's a party tonight--Ow; hey, still human; still need to breathe."

"Stop using all that breath to whine, then."

"Is she coming?"

"…No."

"Promise?"

"Promise."

"…You know I love you, right?"

"I dimly recall."

"Mmm, constricting as it is, I do love this corset on me."

"Don't hate the look, myself."

"Looks weird without bottoms, though."

"There are plusses to 'no bottoms'."

"Oh yeah? And what would they be, _Master_?"

"Mmm…easy access…"

"Figured that one out."

"You start calling me 'Master' inexplicably."

"I'm in the mood."

"Then there's that one."

"When do the creatures of the night arrive?"

"A good hour."

"Perfect…"

"Mmm…_good girl_."

THE END


	6. If Buffy Wins

...Or...

If Buffy Wins...

"Angelus?"

"Yes?"

"I can't eat this."

"Buffy, you have a $45 plate of lobster in front of you, and you will eat it."

"But, Angelus, it's looking at me!"

"It is not looking at you. It's a dead animal. Eat it."

"It is _so _looking at me! Its little googly fish eyes are starring me down."

"You're a big girl, Buff; you can overpower a dead shellfish."

"Angelus."

"Alright, then. There you go. Now it's not looking at you."

"Y-you tore its head off!"

"Yes, now you can eat it."

"But…how do you eat through the shell?"

"Oh, good God, woman, are you honestly telling me that you don't know how to eat lobster?"

"Yes."

"How on earth have you never eaten a lobster?"

"I don't know; I must have been busy doing something else--saving the world, for instance?"

"Don't be smart with me, little lady; turns out, you need me to eat tonight."

"Yeah? Well you need me to cum tonight, and your sex has been far more known to think with their groins then mine has been to think with their mouths, so…"

"You put a small part of the lobster in here and close the clipper things--"

"That their scientific name?"

"Buffy."

"Sorry."

"That cracks the shell open, and then you suck on the meat."

"Well, that's something I know how to do."

"Vixen."

"Gimme…Like this?"

"Just like that."

"It's good."

"It's $45; it better be good."

"Well, it is."

"Great."

"Great…you sure you don't want anything?"

"If I wanted it, don't you think I would get it?"

"So you just wanna sit there and watch me eat?"

"Yep."

"That kinda makes me feel awkward."

"Get over it."

"Okay, then."

"Good."

"Great… Seriously, I can't eat in front of you."

"Then you don't eat."

"But it's my romantic dinner. I won the bet."

"The bet never said anything specifically about you eating."

"Don't use political logic on me. It's my night."

"You got what you asked for, Buff. If you don't like it, tough."

"…Excuse me, we're gonna get another one of these $45 plates of lobster, please."

"Hungry, are we?"

"That's for you."

"I won't eat it."

"But it's my night, and I want to you."

"You're aware you sound like a three-year-old."

"Yes, I am, but I'm your three-year-old, and I won the bet, and you will eat the very expensive fish I got you. …Oh, yes, that's for us; thank you."

"Thank you."

"…You're not eating it."

"I don't eat."

"Angelus!"

"Did you just kick me?"

"Yes."

"Well, don't."

"Eat your lobster."

"Stop it."

"Eat your lobster."

"Buffy…"

"Eat your lobster."

"You kick me one more time, and my party starts in one hour."

"That's not fair! You promised!"

"Stop. Kicking. Me."

"Fine."

"Fine."

"Please eat your lobster, Angelus."

"Eat yours."

"I am eating mine."

"Wonderful."

"Oh, come on. Don't get pissy."

"My woman just bruised my shin on account of I won't submit to her juvenile whims while I am not at my home conversing with those whose company I would prefer."

"Use all the big words you want; you still have no right to get pissy."

"Leave me alone."

"And I did not bruise your shin, you big baby."

"You know, suddenly I'm very tired."

"Aw, I was just kidding. You're not a big baby."

"Check please!"

"No, Angelus. I'm sorry. I'm being a brat. It was really sweet of you to bring me here."

"Yes, it was."

"Here…"

"What are you doing?"

"We can sit together, courtesy of this huge booth you got us. How'd you do that, by the way? Some crafty slip of a five or something?"

"Buffy…"

"How about we share the lobster, hmm? Alright, now talk me through this."

"No, we're leaving."

"Take the piece of lobster between the clipper thingies and crack the shell, yes?"

"Yes…"

"Then, you take the shell off, and…"

"No, I don't want it."

"Suck on the meat, Angelus."

"Get that thing away from me."

"You want me to do it? Should I suck the meat?"

"Just eat your meal, so I can go."

"No, no, no. Should I _suck _the _meat_?"

"…at home."

"You really want to leave?"

"Really really."

"I feel bad about you paying $90 for food we didn't eat."

"As you should."

"Can we bring it home?"

"If you promise you'll eat it."

"I'll eat it."

"Alright. Get it wrapped. Let's go."

"Okay…I need your credit card. …Thank you."

"Mmm hmm."

"…We're going home, Angelus. Can I get a smile?"

"What? Absolutely not."

"A hint of a smile?"

"No."

"A smirk? Oh, come on, 90 of the time you have a smirk on your face. This shouldn't be too strenuous for you. …There's a good boy. Thank you."

"Anything for my Slayer."

"Don't be so sarcastic. You _would _do anything for me."

"That so?"

"That's so."

"I wouldn't eat the lobster."

"Oh, that's right."

"You did _not _just kick me!"

"I'll be in the car. Love you!"

"And then she loves me…little vixen."

THE END

AN: I don't know if I'm done with these little thing-ies they're fun to write, so I might not be. Tell me if you want more!


	7. The Bed

Chapter Seven! This comes from a conversation I had with my mother about Japanese horror films. And just to clarify, I've seen exactly four of them: _The Ring _and _The Ring Two_, _The Grudge_, and _Audition_. So, hey, maybe what I noticed is just in these three and not in the rest. I don't know. Again, it's just fun. Don't be offended. Also, for our purposes, let's pretend that the actress in _The Grudge _doesn't have a striking resemblence to Buffy.

Enjoy...

"Angelus?"

"Yeah?"

"Were you watching?"

"It was a commercial."

"I know; were you watching it?"

"Yeah."

"Kay, did it make sense to you?"

"It was for a movie…"

"I know that, but…I don't know; it just didn't make sense."

"What didn't?"

"Well, no, I don't mean that. It did make sense; it's just weird."

"It's a horror film, Buff; it's supposed to be weird."

"No, but see, it's Japanese."

"Yes…"

"And Japanese horror films are supposed to be like, extremely scary, right? That's why Americans keep stealing them."

"Sure."

"But in Japanese horror films, the scary things are always kind of…well, you feel bad for them."

"I do?"

"Well, you don't. You're a soulless monster. But nice, normal people feel bad for them."

"Because they're Japanese?"

"Sorry, you're a _racist_, soulless monster."

"Hey, you said it; not me."

"You do not feel bad for them, because they're Japanese. You feel bad for them, because they've suffered…greatly."

"Really."

"Yeah. Like take _The Ring_; have you seen _The Ring_?"

"Buffy, you not supposed to like the girl; she kills people. Remember, you don't like when things try and do that."

"So, yes, is what you're trying to say? Okay, then. The girl in that is, like, this abandoned child whose mother tried to kill her by throwing her down a well. That's horrible."

"Right."

"So why are you laughing?"

"I was just remembering her little talk in the asylum video."

"Oh, you mean that horribly disturbing part that you found funny, because you're a sick, deprived animal."

"Yeah, that part."

"You're so disgusting."

"You like that."

"Do not."

"Uh, the last four years beg to differ."

"So, the little girl is, essentially, the villain, even though she's the one who was harmed. The Japanese have a way of vilifying their victims."

"Hmm, fascinating."

"I hate you."

"Aw, you poor baby."

"Leave me alone."

"No, come on. I wanna hear about your Japanese horror-film, victim-complex."

"It's not a complex. Its an observation."

"No, but you do that a lot."

"Make observations?"

"No, you focus on the victims. Like in that movie, where the girl wants to fuck the dog?"

"Okay, once more. The beast is not a dog; he is a prince. And Belle doesn't want to fuck him; she's in love with him."

"Right. Well, you kept on going on about the little kid in that, too."

"Well, yeah! I mean, just cause his mom was a servant for the wrong guy, he got turned into a cup for what could have been the rest of his life?"

"Why do you do that?"

"Do what?"

"Focus on the victims of the story."

"I'm a good person."

"No, that's not it."

"Don't analyze me."

"Stop me. You relate to them."

"I relate to a teacup?"

"You view yourself as a victim, and you sympathize with other victims."

"What do mean, I, "View myself as a victim"? I am a victim."

"Uh huh."

"I am. Of…of rape and attempted murder."

"Ah, yes, that's it; I rape you."

"You do."

"Your life is one of pain and suffering."

"Yes, it is."

"And that was not attempted murder. You wanted to see what it felt like."

"And then, when I said, 'Stop,' you didn't stop."

"I needed to put some fear in you."

"Good job."

"Aw, you afraid of little ol' me, Slayer?"

"That is such a trick question, I'm not even gonna attempt to answer that."

"So, when the Japanese hear of your sob-story, you think they'll make it into a movie?"

"Probably."

"And I'll be the bad guy?"

"No, I'll be that bad guy. Were you listening at all?"

"Eh, I drift in and out."

"Thanks."

"Sure; so, what? You're gonna kill everyone who watches a video tape?"

"No, I haven't made a video tape."

"Well, we could change that."

"You want to make a video tape to make me kill people?"

"Oh! It could be a sex tape! And you would have to kill the people to save your darling, little reputation."

"The video tape's been done. My story would have to be original."

"Hmm, you could kill everyone who…kills vampires?"

"I don't think the Japanese believe in vampires."

"But they believe in video cassettes that kill people?"

"Guess so."

"Interesting people."

"Yeah. Ooh! I know; I could haunt this bed."

"Uh, no."

"No, it's perfect. I could haunt the bed and kill everyone who sleeps in it!"

"Why?"

"Because this is the bed where all the bad happened. And I don't want anyone to be happy in the spot where I was unhappy."

"Ah, but I'll probably still be sleeping here."

"Well, I won't kill you."

"No?"

"No, you could, at first, be like the bewildered bystander to all these horrible murders. Then, as the movie goes on, the audience realizes that you're actually the cause of the whole thing."

"So, I am the bad guy."

"Well, yeah, but not as bad as me. I kill people."

"So do I."

"Well, not in the movie. In the movie, you just killed me. It was a one time thing, and you're very sorry."

"Uh, Buffy, have you met me?"

"It's not you in the movie. It's a really pretty Japanese man, who all the girls come with their horror-loving boyfriends to see."

"You've really thought this through."

"I just need a title."

"Hmm, how 'bout _Scorned_."

"Nah, they don't want to bring attention to the fact that I'm a victim early on. Remember, first, you're the victim."

"Okay, then, _Not a Rapist_."

"Was that you being funny?"

"Fuck off."

"Ooh! _The Bed_! That's it--simple, direct. And they like noun-titles. _The Ring_, _Audition_, _The Grudge_."

"_The Bed_?"

"Well, the announcer guy would say it all scary."

"_The Bed_."

"The announcer guy. You don't have to."

"_The Bed_!"

"Stop it."

"_The Bed_!"

"Leave me alone."

"Oh, come on, Buff. You can't be afraid of your own horror movie."

"I'm not."

"_The Bed_!"

"If the lights were on, and I was not sitting in the actual bed, I would be fine."

"What? You think your spirit is gonna kill you for sleeping with me?"

"No."

"_The Bed_!!"

"Stop it!"

"Aw, I love this. The Slayer's afraid of her own horror-movie."

"What are you doing?"

"You're scared. I'm comforting you."

"Don't."

"Why not?"

"Cause you're mean."

"Come 'ere."

"Stop."

"I'll protect you from your big, bad self."

"Ha, ha, ha."

"Lay down."

"No."

"Uh oh, The Bed doesn't like it when you don't lay on it."

"Please stop existing, now."

"Shh, lay down. It's okay."

"…fine. Just stop with the smirking."

"You like the smirking, do ya?"

"Mmm, not at all."

"No…?"

_A beat_.

_Creak_.

"…What was that?"

Kay! Chapter Eight is in the works. It's Christmas time with our favorite odd couple.

I know this took a while to get up, and I'm sorry. Please, don't hate me and keep reviewing!


	8. Merry, Merry

**Kay, not that any kiddies should be reading any of this stuff, but just in case:**

**Santa is very, very real. I have NO idea what Angelus and Buffy are talking about when they say anything other than that. They're completely crazy; what can I say? Don't mind them.**

"Angelus?"

"Hmm?"

"Are you awake?"

"I am now."

"Sorry."

"What's wrong, Buffy?"

"Nothing's wrong."

"Then why are you waking me up at two o'clock in the morning?"

"Can I talk to you?"

"You _are _talking to me."

"I meant about Christmas."

"Oh, God, bloody woman."

"I'm sorry. I can't stop thinking about it."

"What is there to think about?"

"I don't know. I keep thinking about…promise you won't laugh?"

"No."

"I keep thinking about Santa."

"Oh, kill me now. Didn't mommy ever tell you, Slayer, Mr. Clause is a little, white lie the Christians cooked up to convince others to convert, and make Jews cry on Christmas."

"I know he's not real. I'm not a complete idiot."

"Good to know."

"But they made him up to help children appreciate the birth of their savior. That whole conversion theory is very obviously just you being bitter towards your Catholic, Irish roots."

"But it is to make little Jews cry."

"Santa was not made to make anyone cry."

"Yeah, okay."

"He wasn't!"

"He was. He was created at a time when Christians were certainly looked down upon and the Jews were all claiming that they were the Chosen People. Boy, do people get annoyed when they hear someone talking about being, 'Chosen'."

"...I _was _Chosen."

"So the Christians cooked up this idea of a jolly, old man who gave everybody lots of toys, and, suddenly, Christians were sitting on top of the religious pile."

"You just made that up."

"I did not."

"Yeah? Where'd you learn it?"

"A book."

"Did the book have a name?"

"Yes, I should think it did."

"And can you tell me the name?"

"It's not one you've heard of."

"Doesn't matter."

"Why do you want to know?"

"Because I think you're a complete liar."

"And if I spout out the name of a book you've never heard of you'll think of me otherwise?"

"I might look it up."

"Go to sleep, Buffy."

"You're such a liar."

"And you're shocked."

"Well, no, but, still, that's such a stupid thing to lie about."

"It's a stupid thing to wake someone up in the middle of the night to discuss, as well."

"Sorry, I was just thinking about how warm it is."

"Christmas?"

"Yeah."

"Generally, it's cold at Christmas, no?"

"Not in South America."

"Go to sleep, Buffy."

"And besides, I didn't mean the temperature; I meant the feeling of it. Christmas comes with this, like, amazing, warming feeling. Nothing else in the world makes me feel like Christmas does."

"Well, you haven't tried anything, yet."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, I know plenty of things that create amazing, warming sensations without the birth of a savior."

"Such as?"

"Alcohol, marijuana, ecstasy..."

"You've tried all of them?"

"Buff, I've tried _everything_. Many things more than once."

"That's disgusting. Drugs are gross."

"Gross?"

"Yeah, you know, sickening, foul, vulgar?"

"No, no. I comprehend the meaning of the word; I was just unaware that anyone over the age of five still used it."

"Oh, you're so funny."

"Aww, now she's all upset."

"I don't know why I try and talk to you; you're always mean to me."

"Baby, you said, 'gross."

"Goodnight, Angelus."

"Oh, come on. Tell me about the warm and fuzzies you get when you think of a Middle-Eastern virgin pushing your savior out of her--"

"Ew! Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew!"

"...Something wrong?"

"I am never going to get that image out of my head!"

"What image?"

"You know what image."

"Oh, Buffy, child birth is a beautiful, beautiful thing."

"Yeah, you would know."

"Better than _you _would."

"What do you mean? Have you...seen it?"

"Once or twice."

"Why?"

"Senior health."

"Angelus."

"I was there. It happened."

"Oh, really. Who's birth did you witness?"

"Mommy never gave it a chance to give it a name."

"Why not?"

"Well--"

"No! Never mind; don't say anything. I get it."

"Good girl."

"All right. So, now that Christmas is ruined forever..."

"Hey, bad things happen when you don't let evil beings get their beauty sleep."

"Apparently."

"Now, close your eyes and get some sleep."

"Fine."

"Eyes closed?"

"Yeah."

"What are you thinking about?"

"A Middle-Eastern virgin shoving my savior out of her--"

"Good night, Buffy."

**Happy Holidays, everyone! Please, review!**


	9. The Mall

**The Mall**

**A/N: I'm so glad there are people who find these little do-dads at all entertaining. Thanks so, so much for the reviews. I love 'em!**

**Enjoy…**

"Angelus!"

"Finally!"

"I'm not buying these."

"No, you're not."

"…I'm not?"

"Of course not. I'm buying them for you."

"No, Angelus."

"Yes, Buffy."

"They're too small."

"No such animal."

"I won't wear them."

"You won't?"

"I'll look like a tramp."

"And?"

"And…and that's bad. Being a tramp is a bad thing."

"Are you a tramp?"

"I…no…"

"Then what do you care if people think you're a tramp?"

"…I…"

"That's what I thought."

"Angelus. I don't like them."

"I don't remember asking."

"I will find a way not to wear them."

"Ooh, daring."

"I'll…I'll eat a lot. I'll get fat."

"If that's what you want…"

"Then you won't want me to wear them."

"Oh, really?"

"Okay, I'll…I'll flaunt them. Yeah! I'll wear 'em around Xander, and he'll get all hot."

"Nah, Xander and I have come to an understanding."

"An understanding?"

"Yeah, if he so much as breathes on you in more than a friendly manner, I'll peel his skin off and feed it to him."

"Oh, my God."

"Besides, Xander's got more of a crush on the lesbian, anyway."

"Oh, please. He's madly in love with me. And for the 800th time, Willow is not a lesbian."

"Okay, sure she's not."

"She isn't. She's in love with Oz."

"Oz left."

"Yes, but Oz will come back. Mark my words. He will come back."

"Aw, you're so cute when you're naïve."

"Whatever, Angelus."

"Although, I do believe you'll look cuter in…this little number."

"Oh, my God. No, Angelus!"

"Why not? It's great."

"It's leopard-print!"

"Yes…"

"And leather!"

"Yes…"

"And horrible!"

"Exactly."

"What?"

"I said, 'Exactly'. Are you having trouble hearing, dear?"

"You want me to wear horrible clothes?"

"Little bit, yeah."

"Why?"

"Well, frankly, I can't see you going out of the house wearing any of the things I've picked out for you."

"Ah, we finally agree on something."

"And so, you will wear them, and you will not leave the house."

"What?"

"'You will wear them and not leave the house.' Really, Buffy, you should get that checked out."

"You just want me to stay at your place?"

"I think once you're sleeping there every night and eating there every day, it's considered your place, too."

"Not what I asked."

"It's none of your concern why I do the things I do, Buffy. I'm done discussing this."

"Aw, you want me to stay with you."

"I'm done, Buffy."

"Of course you are, you big softie."

"I know you did not just utter those words in my presence."

"Of course I didn't, you hunk of huggable teddy bear, you."

"You are trying my patience, Buffy."

"Oh, I'm sorry, my sweet, little cupcake."

"All right, that's it! I'm not getting the clothes!"

"What? Why?"

"I don't care if you're home or not! It makes no difference to me at all! I don't care when you come or go. In fact, just stay out! Go crazy! Never come home! That's fine!"

"But, Angelus."

"No! My mind is made up! You're not getting the clothes! Deal with it!"

"Where are you going?"

"To my car!"

"Am I coming with you?"

"I. Don't. Care!"

"Okay, I'll be there in a second."

"Fine, whatever!"

"So, Angelus-500 million; Buffy-1. Score."

**Yay, Buffy! I felt it was time for her to bring home a victory against the big ol' scourge.**

**As always, please review. And, hey, if you've got a topic or situation or anything that you'd enjoy seeing Buffy and Angelus discuss, let me know. It could very well happen. Thanks, lovelies!**


	10. Elevator Music

**Elevator Music**

**A/N: I love Dove chocolate, and I do happen to collect the wrappers. It has taken me a while to get the few I have, and I'm very proud of my collection. Confused? Well, read on…**

"Angelus?"

"Yes."

"Do you believe in fortune cookies?"

"Buffy, as your species only hope of survival, don't you think you should be worrying about more important things?"

"I think I might believe in them."

"Good God."

"What?"

"Don't believe in fortune cookies, Buffy."

"Why not?"

"Because it ruins my brief delusion of you having any intelligence in that pretty little head of yours."

"Stop it, I'm serious."

"So am I. You should never believe anything that you read on the inside of a food."

"That's not true!"

"Yes, Buffy; yes, it is."

"What about Snapple Facts?"

"Excuse me?"

"Snapple Facts. They're these cool, little trivia things that are printed on the bottom Snapple caps."

"And you believe them."

"They're Snapple Facts, Angelus. Facts."

"You are without a doubt the most ignorant woman I have ever come in contact with."

"Oh, really. Well, here's some ignorance for you: Did you know that Chinese is the most spoken language in the world?"

"What? No, it's not. English is."

"Ah! Ugly American, party of one."

"Hey! I am not an American."

"Oh, please. I think after nearly a century of living here, you're pretty much a citizen."

"You know what? It doesn't matter. Chinese is not the most spoken language in the world. Where'd you even hear that trash?"

"From a Snapple cap, Angelus. Honestly, I'm concerned. Why can't you make these connections in your head?"

"Fuck off. That Snapple crap stuff is ridiculous. So are the fortune cookies."

"Really? Cause one of mine said that I would endure enormous aggression to get to the utter pinnacle of my spiritual peace in bed."

"It said that?"

"Yep."

"It told you, you were going to have spiritual peace in bed?"

"Well, it didn't actually say, 'in bed', but you're supposed to add it on."

"Oh, dear Lord."

"Everybody does it."

"You mean to say that this entire time I've known you, you've been adding 'in bed' to the ends of fortune cookies?"

"Hey, way to overreact."

"Is there any other ludicrasly terrifying behavior I should know about?"

"…No…"

"Buffy…?"

"Look, what I do…it is not, ludicrasly terriying. It's quirky."

"What do you do?"

"I collect…things?"

"Oh, God help me. What…things?"

"Wrappers."

"Oh, Buffy, that's so unsanitary."

"No, it's not. They're clean."

"You collect clean wrappers?"

"From chocolate. Dove chocolate."

"I'm almost afraid to ask why."

"They have little sayings on the inside. I just think they're pretty funny."

"Sayings?"

"Yeah, here, I'll show you."

"Holy shit. You have hundreds!"

"I have eleven. Go away."

"Huh. They do have sayings on them. Don't they?"

"Don't touch them. They'll rip."

"You're touching them."

"I'm not a savage animal. I have grace and careful fingers."

"Oh, I'll show you careful fingers."

"You know what Angelus? Age is nothing but a number."

"Excuse me?"

"Naughty can be nice."

"If you say so."

"Live your dreams."

"I do."

"Go to your special place."

"But she won't let me. She's reading chocolate wrappers."

"Love without rules."

"Or don't love at all."

"Watch reruns, they replay your memories."

"Photogenic memory, dear."

"Smile before bed. You'll sleep better."

"Wonderful. Will do."

"You know what? You look good in red."

"I look good in everything."

"Be mischievous. It feels good."

"No argument there."

"Smile. People will wonder what you've been up to."

"Is that why I do it?"

"And my personal favorite: Sing along with the elevator music."

"Elevator music?"

"Yeah, you know, that horribly jaunty stuff they play in elevators…"

"Yes, but why would one want to sing along with it. It doesn't even have words."

"I don't know. I guess it makes you feel good."

"Trying to sing a song with no words makes you feel good?"

"Maybe."

"Ridiculous."

"They're supposed to be funny."

"Well, then, they fail miserably."

"Nah, you're just grumpy today."

"No, I'm not."

"Sure you are. You're upset that Chinese has over-taken your beloved English, and now you're too mad to experience the hilariousness of Dove chocolate."

"No, Buffy, it's just not funny."

"Ooh, wait, I forgot one. 'Do what feels right'."

"Hmm, hilarious."

"Should I?"

"Should you?"

"Should I do what feels right?"

"Mmm, I think you should."

"Should I find my spiritual pinnacle?"

"Yeah…in bed."

Hey, I heard this rumor that all the cool kids are sending me reviews. Come on, you know you want to. No one will find out. It'll be our little secret.

**Kay, now I'm scaring myself. Please, review.**


	11. Enema Enigma

A/N: Hey, everyone. Happy Easter. This one's particularly dirty, so those offended by the sexual practices of some very special people should not read. What does it say about my pysche that I wrote this on Easter? Oh, I'm gonna need some therapy when I grow up.

* * *

"Angelus?"

"Yes."

"I want to ask you something."

"Ask and you shall receive."

"See, now, that's the thing. I just want to ask you. I don't want to...receive...I don't think."

"...Right."

"See I was reading that book you got me, and I'm trying to understand it."

"And I applaud you."

"But I came across this word, I wasn't sure what it meant..."

"Oh, Buffy."

"Well, whatever. I'm sexually illiterate. Make fun of me all you want after you tell me what this is."

"All right, baby doll, shoot."

"Okay...what's an enema?"

"...Oh, God."

"I think it's something to do with your ass, right?"

"Yes."

"And it, it goes in your ass?"

"Yes, yes it does."

"And that feels good?"

"Well, I mean, it does more than that."

"It hurts your ass?"

"What?"

"Well, that's what they get off on, right? The whole, like 'Ooh, I love it when you hurt me, Sir. I can't live without you causing me pain, sir!' They like that, don't they?"

"Stop watching _Secretary_, Buffy. It's putting ideas in your head."

"But I like it. Its fascinating."

"An enema is a medical device that some use in erotic play in order to cleanse out a person's colon."

"Oh."

"Yep."

"...Ew."

"Your intellect never ceases to astound me."

"Why is that sexy?"

"Not finding shit on your cock when you pull out? Gee, I just don't know. I personally love a little shit on my cock, but I'm an evil, undead monster, so..."

"Well, I guess it makes sense like that, but..."

"But...?"

"The way I read it...it looks like the enema itself really turns people on."

"Hmm, well I suppose you could cause someone a good deal of pain if you give them too much."

"Too much?"

"Put too much water into their asshole. Could be a might irritating. I wouldn't put it past a true sadist to enjoy that."

"Ugh."

"But the masochist probably enjoys it, too."

"Yeah, I guess."

"You know, I used to know this guy who got off on pregnant women."

"Why do I talk to you?!"

"And he would give girls massive enemas and plug 'em up so that they looked pregnant, and then walk around parties and tell people due dates and the sex of the baby and shit."

"Okay, first I saw 'Dear, God, how have I gotten myself in such a situation where I know people who know people like that' and then I say, 'What do you mean, "Plug 'em up"'?"

"Well, the water wants to come up after you put it in, so you have to force it to stay in with a butt plug or balloon or something like that."

"Okay, I'm just going to take this opportunity to thank you once and for all for never putting a plug in my butt so that you could tell all your friends I was pregnant."

"You are welcome. I don't see a lot attractive in the pregnancy look. Big doesn't appeal to me. I like teeny tiny things."

"Teeny tiny Slayers."

"As you wish."

"God, the world is such a fucked up place. There are so many freakin' fetishes. It's unbelievable."

"You get to the Adult Baby one yet?"

"No. I'm on the basic Master/slave deal."

"It's really intense. I wouldn't even go that far. They have these people dress up in dresses and bonnets and diapers, and they live their lives as babies, it's thoroughly disturbing."

"Why do people get off on that?"

"Ask them! And they shit and piss and get changed and...ugh, I can't even..."

"That's really disgusting."

"They say it's about helplessness. They want to be taken care of."

"But it's a total lack of respect. Of independence. How can adults want that?"

"Eh, people have issues."

"Ugh, I'm gonna have bad dreams about this stuff."

"Bad dreams?"

"Yeah, the helplessness? It's terrifying."

"Well, its not for everyone, but--"

"It's, like, my second worst fear. I don't like loosing control. I like to know what I'm doing, to make conscious choices about what's going on."

"Wow, are you with the wrong guy."

"Yeah, I know."

"Two total control freaks. Probably why we hate each other so much."

"Probably."

"Huh."

"God, I can't stop thinking about it. I used to have nightmares that I woke up schizophrenic."

"What?"

"I mean, it doesn't hit you until your late teens/early twenties. And my psych teacher kept telling us that. Like, the class would laugh when she was talking about how schizophrenics have delusions or whatever, and she would just be like, 'Well, laugh now, but it won't be so funny when you have to be institutionalized because you talk to dead people. None of you are out of the woods with this one, yet.' God, it scared the crap out of me."

"...Buffy..."

"Stop laughing!"

"...I can't...!"

"Angelus!"

"Just...too...funny!"

"It isn't funny! What if I have it!?"

"Then I will laugh at you at the institution."

"Oh, my God!"

"Wait! What if it's true? What if you do have it, and you don't even know it?"

"Stop it!"

"What if I'm not real? What if you're not real? What if none of this is real?"

"Angelus, I mean it, stop!"

"What if those tears in your eyes are just a delusion that you've created in order to create sympathy in your mental fantasy?"

"These tears are a reaction to you mocking me! They are real."

"Or so you think."

"This is abuse, you know. If I was a slave, I could leave you. Even a freaking sadistic/Master isn't allowed to treat people like this!"

"Treat people like what, Buffy? You're speaking nonsense again. Let's just get you back to your room."

"I hate you!"

"That's fine, dear, as long as you let me make you better."

"I'm gonna put you in a diaper while you're sleeping. See how you like being subjected to humiliation like this."

"Okay, Buffy."

"Yeah, and I'm gonna give you an enema, too! And...and I'm gonna make you look pregnant and tell everyone its a girl!"

"Whatever you say."

"I am not schizophrenic!"

"Woah, woah, woah. I've been through this, sweetie. The first step is accepting that you have a problem."

"That's alcoholism, numb nuts."

"Hey, hey. We'll work on that later."

"Oh, great, I'm an alcoholic too, now?"

"You're a big girl, Buffy, you can answer that for yourself."

"Okay, well, super, then I'm gonna go to my room, and you can leave me alone and not sleep with me seeing as I'm a mental patient, and it would be totally against your very sound morals as an attendant to take advantage of my delusions."

"...Well, see, I'm not a very good attendant."

"Hmm, you make a lot of typos?"

"I'm afraid I do."

"Well, you're gonna need to learn to change that."

"Maybe you could teach me?"

"Would you like me to?"

"Ugh, I can't do sub. I'm terrible at it."

"No, it was good."

"I didn't feel it. I'm a Dom at heart; can't change it."

"Whatever you say, Angelus."

"That's right. Whatever I say."

* * *

A/N: So, yeah, there it is. This one is entirely inspired by real life, actually, except I got all my answers from Google, not Angelus, as I have been told he is, what did they say? Oh yeah, fictional. Anywho, hope you enjoyed it!

And just so you know, I did not/do not mean to judge anyone with anything said in these things. This is simply how I feel Buffy and Angelus would approach these topics. I have a great respect for all people who have enough guts to say, "Hey, I know some people might think it's weird and out there, but it's what I like, so I don't care! Change my diaper, etc.!" More power to ya!

Also, watch _Secretary_. It's a fantastic S&M movie with Maggie Gyllenhaal and James Spader. I love it!


End file.
